In The Eye of the Generational Storm: Eldest Daughters and their Resistant, Resilient Mothers
My boomer mother told me recently that she had started therapy. I know, it’s a pretty big deal. I feel really proud of her but along with that pride, as the oldest daughter in a large family that has been the default emotional dumping ground for her since childhood, comes a tinge of bitterness.
I’m struggling with how my first emotion in response to her taking this step is a maternal one. Once again I find myself reacting as a mother to my mother. But stronger than the competing feelings of pride and bitterness, is hope. I know it’s a huge step for someone of her generation and that so many of my peers can only dream of their parents having a shred of self-awareness.
Right now, there is a massive change happening as millennials and Gen Z fully ascend into their power. We are taking charge of the conversations around mental health and parenting, fueled by Tik Tok, years going through our own therapy journey, and a collective recognition that the ways of the past will not help us heal the damage that has been compounding through generations of “pull yourself up by your bootstraps” mentality.
In the center of the storm, are the eldest daughters. It's not entirely a coincidence that when I survey my friend group, many share my birth order. As we enter our early thirties, I notice that I am not the only one marking a change in the mother-daughter dynamic. We spent our twenties navigating unfulfilling entry-level jobs, reporting to women like our mothers, in ways both good and bad, falling in and out of love with men like our fathers, carrying the mental load, and repeating the way our moms, our earliest examples, stretching ourselves to the breaking point for partners who made us wonder if they even liked us until, finally, spent and numb, we extracted ourselves, did the internal work, and begin to ask: why?
For eldest daughters of boomers especially, there is fear in criticizing our mothers because we have been taught to constantly show deference for everything they went through and to question none of their choices. And don’t get me wrong, they did go through it, we know because we were right there with them for all or most of it. Serving as their closest confidant, friend, and pseudo-therapist. But therein lies the problem: their generation moved the needle, encouraging us to be all we could be, embrace self-growth, and to strive for our highest potential. We did. The side effect of that is now we are turning back to them and saying, ok, I did what you said, why aren’t you doing it too?
Boomer mothers had to live motherhood in survival mode. Birthing children, being shamed if they didn’t lose the weight after, giving up financial independence, and coddling husbands who, at best, were neglectful and checked out, at worst, abusive and violent, losing their identities and mental stability in the process. It’s not surprising: their parents were also in survival mode, coming from years of economic depression, war, and their own fractured childhoods. We can track the generational trauma and put words as to why it came to be now that we have the terminology, but we can also look at the current moment and demand better. For our kids and for the parents and grandparents who are still here.
On an episode of NPR’s Life Kit podcast, Becky Kennedy, a psychologist, and host of the Good Inside parenting podcast presents this scenario: If you were to receive a letter or phone call from your parent, living or dead, that said something like, “I love you and I want you to know I’ve been thinking about how I raised you. I missed the mark in a few places, and I want to acknowledge that,” how would that make you feel?
I don’t know about you but something deep inside of me unclenches and it feels like I can breathe better. Being that vulnerable is extremely hard, and mothers are so terrified of being labeled a ‘bad mom,’ even long after their kids have left home and don’t need them to patch up their scraped knees or tell them to clean up their toys. But we still need our moms to mom us…in a healthy adult relationship type of way.
I hope that my mom starting therapy will be a first step towards her making her own acknowledgments. It doesn’t wash away the bitterness and hurt, but I hope it will help our relationship evolve for the better. I hope that she can learn how to no longer live every moment in survival mode. I hope that she and other women like her will find a way to be vulnerable so they can absorb what the younger generations are screaming from our blog posts and social media accounts. We may recycle some pretty idiotic fashion trends, but we’re not wrong about this one.
